Only say it at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5: I’ve never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10: Don’t play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in.

16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19: I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.

Job Ads

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Corporate America

You’ve been in Corporate America too long when:

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a “team-based organization.”
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell “paradigm.”
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don’t know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
14. You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line.”
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down-sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses.”
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
19. You refer to your significant other as “my Co-CEO.”
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

15 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
2. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
3. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
4. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
5. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
6. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
7. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
11. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
12. Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”
13. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
14. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
15. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Questions I have never been able to answer

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.”

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Men Paradoxes

If you can’t go down on them, you’re not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won’t let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won’t wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don’t like, you don’t care about their taste.

If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don’t like their friends.

How do French Say

Here is a list of idioms… Lets have a look on how french would say

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The last straw which breaks the camel’s back.

French Say:  The drop that runs over the vase

C’est la goutte qui fait déborder le vase.

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You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.

French Say: You don’t need to teach the old monkey to make a face

On n’apprend pas aux vieux singes à faire la grimace.

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When pigs fly.

French Say: When hens will have teeths

Quand les poules auront des dents.

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Don’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

French Say: You don’t need to teach the old monkey to make a face

On n’apprend pas aux vieux singes à faire la grimace

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It’s raining cats and dogs

French Say: It’s rainning strings.

Il tombe des cordes

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The early bird catches the worm.

French Say: World belong to people who wakeup early.
Le monde appartient à celui qui se lève tôt.

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To play gooseberry

French Say: To Hold the candel

Tenir la chandelle

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To be as fit as a fiddle

French Say: Having the peach

Avoir la pêche

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  That’s not my beer !

French Say: These are not your onions

Ce ne sont pas mes oignons

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I have other fish to fry !

French Say: I have other cats to trash

J’ai d’autres chats à fouetter !

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It’s as easy as falling off a log

French Say: It’s easy as Hello

C’est simple comme bonjour

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  To cost one arm and a leg

French Say: To cost the eyes of the head

Coûter les yeux de la tête

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  For a song

French Say: For a bread bite.

Pour une bouchée de pain

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To smell a rat

French Say: To have the flea at the ear

Avoir la puce à l’oreille

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To call a spade a spade

French Say: To call a cat a cat

Appeller un chat un chat

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To have bats in the belfry

French Say: To have a Spider on the ceiling

Avoir une araignée au plafond

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It’s double-dutch

French Say: It’s chinese

C’est du chinois

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Thoughts

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying Of nothing.

Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax Cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2. In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world Is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1: Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.