Blonde Jokes Part 2

• What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
  You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
• What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
  The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
• How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
  She opens the car door.
• Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
  That’s where you wash vegetables.
• How do you get a blonde’s eyes to sparkle?
  Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Blonde Jokes Part I

• Why did the blonde cross the road?
  Never mind that, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
• Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
  To see what was on the other side.
• How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
  Blow in her ear.
• How is a blonde different from a 747?
  Not everyone has been in a 747.
• What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
  Pull the pin and throw it back.

 

A Cure For Cancer

Can little girls have babies?

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

Signs in Bed

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”

Resolutions For 2009

RESOLUTION #1:

    1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
    2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
    2003: I will read 5 books a year.
    2005: I will finish The Pelican Brief
    2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
    2008: I will read at least one article this year.
    2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

    1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
    2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
    2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
    2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
    2007: I will work out 5 days a week.
    2008: I will work out 3 days a week.
    2009: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

    1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
    2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
    2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
    2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
    2007: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
    2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
    2009: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

    2006: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
    2007: I will not leave Marge.
    2008: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
    2009: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

    2006: I will stop looking at other women.
    2007: I will not get involved with Wanda.
    2008: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
    2009: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

    2006: I will not let my boss push me around.
    2007: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
    2008: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
    2009: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

    2006: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
    2007: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
    2008: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
    2009: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

    2006: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
    2007: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
    2008: I will not become a "problem drinker".
    2009: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

    2006: I will see my dentist this year.
    2007: I will have my cavities filled this year.
    2008: I will have my root canal work done this year.
    2009: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

    2006: I will go to church every Sunday.
    2007: I will go to church as often as possible.
    2008: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
    2009: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

32 Things not to Say to a pregnant Woman

1. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
2. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
3. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
4. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
5. “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
6. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
7. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
8. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
9. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
10. “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
11. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
12. “Got milk?”
13. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
14. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
15. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
16. “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
17. “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
18. “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
19. “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
20. “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
21. “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
22. “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
23. “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
24. “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
25. “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
26. “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
27. “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
28. “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
29. “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
30. “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
31. “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
32. “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”

Geek joke

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born ?”

The father answers:

“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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“You got Male!”

Mother and Daughter

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

W.I.F.E

Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”

Wife replies,” No, It means ,
“With Idiot For Ever !!!”