Resolutions For 2009

RESOLUTION #1:

    1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
    2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
    2003: I will read 5 books a year.
    2005: I will finish The Pelican Brief
    2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
    2008: I will read at least one article this year.
    2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

    1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
    2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
    2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
    2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
    2007: I will work out 5 days a week.
    2008: I will work out 3 days a week.
    2009: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

    1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
    2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
    2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
    2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
    2007: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
    2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
    2009: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

    2006: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
    2007: I will not leave Marge.
    2008: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
    2009: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

    2006: I will stop looking at other women.
    2007: I will not get involved with Wanda.
    2008: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
    2009: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

    2006: I will not let my boss push me around.
    2007: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
    2008: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
    2009: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

    2006: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
    2007: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
    2008: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
    2009: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

    2006: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
    2007: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
    2008: I will not become a "problem drinker".
    2009: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

    2006: I will see my dentist this year.
    2007: I will have my cavities filled this year.
    2008: I will have my root canal work done this year.
    2009: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

    2006: I will go to church every Sunday.
    2007: I will go to church as often as possible.
    2008: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
    2009: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

What to Say or Not say during Sex

Only say it at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5: I’ve never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10: Don’t play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in.

16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19: I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.

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