Good, Bad, Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing!

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

32 Things not to Say to a pregnant Woman

1. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
2. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
3. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
4. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
5. “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
6. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
7. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
8. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
9. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
10. “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
11. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
12. “Got milk?”
13. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
14. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
15. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
16. “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
17. “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
18. “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
19. “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
20. “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
21. “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
22. “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
23. “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
24. “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
25. “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
26. “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
27. “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
28. “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
29. “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
30. “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
31. “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
32. “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”

Geek joke

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born ?”

The father answers:

“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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“You got Male!”

WTF: Dejections

More than words

Gigantic TITS

 

Germany

 

In America

 

Making Your Territory

 

Oh my Grawd

 

Boobs

 

Congatulation

 

Heaven

Mother and Daughter

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.