Job Ads

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Fuck Her Gently

> Fuck her Gently <

Forward That Email?

We get to the point!

I Love Java

Now you will Stop

Metal Fan

What to buy to your man

You are struggling to find a gift for your boyfriend, husband or he friend, here are some simple rules to reach your goal:

Rule 1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule 2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with your 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule 3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule 4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule 5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule 6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule 7:

Do not buy a married man after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink — they are earthy. These gifts are OK for single men. But remember that for them this is just a means to an end, like a cat sees bird seed.

Rule 8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule 9:

Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day, and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 10:

Good places to shop for men include Ace Hardware, Big 5, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is.)

“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.”

“Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

Rule 11:

Men enjoy danger and action. That’s why they never cook — unless the cooking process involves a gadget that does something cool. That is why they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Smoke and flames! Who wants a hamburger?” Get him the George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine. “Whoa! Look at the grease come out of that burger!” Don’t get him a bread machine — booooring.

Rule 12:

Tickets to a ball game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule 13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule 8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 14:

It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

No one knows why.

Rule 15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

Corporate America

You’ve been in Corporate America too long when:

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a “team-based organization.”
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell “paradigm.”
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don’t know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
14. You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line.”
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down-sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses.”
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
19. You refer to your significant other as “my Co-CEO.”
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.